The Toddler Years - The Proactive Response
Disclaimer: This is a long post, but I promise there is some gold to be found in here!
The main idea : Know what you will do if the worst happens so that you aren’t caught off guard, surprised or embarrassed by your child’s behaviour.
One of my biggest tips, which again, was brought to my attention in that Making The Terrible Twos Terrific book, is that small people are going to push boundaries and more likely than not, the worst will happen.
They are going to make you late.
They will be loud.
And they don’t care what other people think (unlike most of us).
Really, they do not know how to be a civil human and our job is to teach them!!
It’s always helpful to remind ourselves that they have never lived before!
We then shouldn't be surprised when they
drop to the floor of a public space because they are tired
scream bloody murder in the supermarket
bop someone over the head at playgroup when they want a toy that is not in their possession.
An easy shift we can make, is moving to a proactive response, that is, you’ve thought things through BEFORE you’re in the moment.
Scenario 1 - The Park.
Here’s a familiar scenario - You are at the local park, and the swings are in hot demand.
Your child has been blissfully swinging, care free and seemingly content with all that life holds. Until it is time to get off the swing for the next child.
All of a sudden, your sweet child who was smiling and all aglow, has morphed into some kind of savage animal, bucking, wailing and screaming because her turn has come to an end.
Big picture - I want her to be someone who happily takes turns.
Am I surprised by her response? No.
Am I embarrassed? No. I know this is a learning opportunity.
Do I make wild threats that she will never sit on a swing again, or walk away muttering the threat of leaving her abandoned in the playground? No.
So how can I respond in a proactive way? What does this look like practically?
Clear expectations - Talk before swing - let her know that she is going to share.
Clear outcome (consequence or incentive) - if she can’t share the swing and hop off with a happy face, we will have to go home and there will be no more turns on the swing today.
Clear communication - Give a count down when on swing
And when done well…
Praise her happy face “Good girl, that is great sharing. You can have another turn of the swing again later”.
If a tantrum ensues, remove from swing, in a short amount of words, restate what you’d said and that it’s time to go home (even if you’ve just arrived at the park).
You only have to follow through on this the FIRST TIME and they know you mean business.
Tip - don’t make threats you can’t keep.
I shamelessly used a jelly bean jar, in my car, to train my children to leave the park with a happy face, after wrangling mulitple screaming little people. When they got into their carseats with a happy face, they got a jelly bean. I did this for a few weeks, then stopped offering jelly beans. When they asked i replied “perhaps next time!”… pattern was set. We didn’t need the jar any longer.
Scenario 2 - The Supermarket - fraught with potential issues -
Small children do not know how to behave in a supermarket.
They have to be taught.
Unless they have been shopping with you from birth, you cannot expect them to know how to trapes the boring aisles of the supermarket and be perfectly behaved without touching things (in my opinion).
So, if you are going to take your kids shopping, it’s beneficial to have a plan. It involves clear and concise communication and an action plan for when your ideal situation doesn’t go down the way you wanted.
Let’s be clear - this style of parenting doesn’t take the easiest short-term solution, which isn’t always popular. That would be buying the wanted lollypop that has brought on the tantrum.
You have to start small and know your small person is in training.
Helpful to start with a dry run in a quiet store like ALDI or IGA.
Before you go shopping, tell them what you expect (clear expectation).
“When we are in the shop today, you are not to touch anything, except for the items on your list. You will hold my hand while we walk.”
Let’s get practical -
One way I set my kids up for success (based on a Supernanny episode I saw years ago) is to give each child a sticky note with one or two items and a green bag, so they feel like their job is actually really important. This helps keep them focussed too.
If they are on the floor/walking, they are not to touch things on the shelves but they can ‘look with their eyes’. “If you take something off the shelf (other than your item), we will have to go home.” (Clear consequence)
Hardcore, I know. (You have to work out what will work for you.)
Shower them with praise if they walk beautifully and stick to doing their job!!
Again though, they will more than likely touch something, so don’t expect to do your whole grocery shop this first time.
As soon as an item is pulled down, put it back, take your child’s hand and remind them of what you said, (gently). And now, we have to go home (clear communication).
Wailing will likely ensue, but I just take their hand calmly and remind them that next time, we won’t touch things on the shelf and we can keep shopping.
Remember, they have all the time in the world, and you need to pretend, for this moment, that you do too (again, this was highlight in the Making the Terrible Twos Terrific book).
Again, if you follow through the first time, they know you mean business.
Don’t appear flustered to them - just work out your line and keep using it.
“Next time, we won’t touch the things on the shelves and then we can keep shopping”. (clear and calm)
TIP Pick one thing you are working on and go hard at that one thing. Then move onto the next thing.
Examples:
‘Stop when I say stop’ - make it fun! Play games when there is no pressure.
Walking next to the pram while holding on
First time obedience
Please and thank you
Lavish them with praise when they do the right thing “What a good girl, stopping when I say stop”.
If they do the wrong thing, don’t brand them as ‘naughty’ but rather reinforce the desired behaviour. “We walk next to the pram and hold on”.
Sometimes visual prompts really help little people.
Here’s a story for you -
When one of our kids was 3, she was very rough/aggressive, especially with her big brother and little sister.
We are talking scratched faces and choke holds.
Having her understand the goal was really important
“Gentle hands”
Instead of “stop scratching!” and “Stop hitting!” we made a (proactive) poster together that went up on the wall in her room. We talked about it every time she woke up or got changed etc in her room.
It was a poster that referenced what hands should do to be gentle - holding hands, stroking, cuddling etc.
This child responded really well to visuals and incentives like stamps and stickers on a chart.
What about time outs??
Research is increasingly highlighting that traditional time outs, away in a room or on a chair, sitting alone, do not work.
I don’t love the words ‘time out’ and again, you have to think about the bigger picture. What are you trying to achieve with this?
Our Big picture?
Clear consequence
Practice in changing countenance after something wrong is done/someone is wronged.
We had a long step in our house from the lounge into the kitchen that we used as a clear consequence space.
Our toddlers had to ‘sit on the step’ for 2 minutes (conveniently the length of the tooth brushing timer/visual they could see) and at the end, they had to hop off with a happy face and a happy heart (changed countenance)
We used the line “what can you do to make it right?” (taken from a professional development course when teaching)
This is important as it requires them to think of what to do, instead of being told to “Say sorry”.
As this step was visible and in the kitchen, if needed, I could sit with them too.
In No Drama Discipline by Dr Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson, they say “connect and redirect” over the traditional time out - this is all training for life as adults.
What about a plan for tantrums?
This isn’t always going to look the same.
Connect and redirect - it’s all brain development related - little people don’t have a handle on their brains (pre-frontal cortex) and they won’t be fully developed (in boys) until their mid-twenties.
Here is what I have found to be helpful:
1. Instruct them when they are out of control “Stop that noise” - no one can be calm when they are ranting and raving/screaming and thrashing. This line is from the very wise parenting expert Cathie Green, and has been used successfully time and again over the years.
2. Once they are stopped, even to take a breath, acknowledge the good behaviour.
“Good boy, you stopped that noise”
3. Help them name their emotions (in very simple terms) so they feel validated/connected then redirect them.
Example of Connect and redirect.
“I know you feel frustrated because you want a snack.
It’s nearly dinner time. Suck on these ice chips while you read a book. Good boy.”
DISTRACTION
Sometimes, a little person just needs a circuit break to change direction so they can stop focussing on the things at hand. Dad’s can be great at this! Ours was the king of the distraction - not everything has to end in tears or serious, in-depth conversations.
Make a cup of tea, sit down and make a plan for how YOU can respond to the craziness toddlers throw at us.
You don’t have to be surprised or embarrassed any longer… You’ve got this!