The Toddler Years - The Proactive Perspective
Parenting is full on at times, and we are so close to the coalface that it can be hard to get a clear picture of where we are headed, years down the track.
It’s like the saying “you can’t see the forest for the trees” (meaning, you are so close to the wood, zoomed in, if you will, that you can’t see the forest behind)
One easy thing we can change is our perspective.
DEVELOP A PARENTING TARGET
Making The Terrible Twos Terrific by John Rosemond starts off by asking parents to write a ten-word or phrase description of the adult they want their child to be when they are 30 years old - about their character, not achievements.
I had to ask myself; What is character?
A: The way someone thinks, feels and behaves.
*Note that behaves is only one third of what character consists of.
We cannot CONTROL how our kids think and feel - but we have the opportunity to shape these things.
I have done this exercise for each of my four kids, as I want to use this as my long term parenting target. I revisited/redid this again recently, just to remind myself. It is a really helpful exercise!
The truth is, we are all going to stuff up - none of us have a degree in parenting or know what we are doing most of the time. So we need to stop beating ourselves up, but instead have a target in mind.
By having this little list of characteristics, it can help us respond to our children in a different way than perhaps how we may feel in the moment - remembering, the goal is not control over our children, but building their character so they can learn to make good choices.
Here’s a story for you…
In 2020, before the lockdown, a friend was having some issues with her young daughter (early school years) regulating her emotions - she was escalating quickly and yelling at those in her family.
Being a primary school teacher, making resources that help small people is my jam, so i offered to make her a ‘feelings thermometer’.
When my kids were all super little and at home I didn’t usually do stuff for me during the days, but it was a wet Thursday and the 3 at home were having a lovely morning playing together, so I thought I’d take the opportunity.
I spent the better part of 2 hours making this resource, measuring, outlining, printing text, pasting etc, all in preparation to laminate it.
Finally, it was done and all that it needed was the laminating.
My littlest guy was tired so I left my post to put him to bed, with my biggest girl wailing and following me as she was wanting something I wouldn’t give her (standard).
After being gone for 2 and a half minutes and talking my 3 and a half year old off a proverbial ledge, I returned to find my 2 and a half year old sitting at the table, sharpie in hand, having drawn all over my creation.
My reaction, was somewhat ironic.
I immediately escalated to a whopping 10/10 on said thermometer, yelling, stomping my feet and throwing a spectacular tantrum.
I was unbelievably cross.
Of course, Miss 2.5 felt terrible and burst into a flood of tears, saying sorry and wanting cuddles.
At this point I had 2 options -
I could continue to punish her for effectively robbing me of 2 hours of my ‘time’
or
I could choose to model forgiveness, apologize for my actions and move on.
With the bigger picture in mind, I chose option 2.
Don’t get me wrong - I was so angry. And that’s ok, they will get angry too.
But it was important for me to take the opportunity to show my girls something, because I want them to be people who say sorry and forgive quickly (character building).
I told Miss 2.5 that I forgave her for drawing on my picture, but that we do not draw on mummy’s things.
I also apologised to both girls for yelling, as we do not yell at people in our family, even when we are cross. (Stomping my feet was something we can do to get the anger out of our bodies - much better than hitting someone).
Of course, they were quick to say ‘That’s ok mum’ and life moved on.
Parenting coaches and course would call this a ‘repair and connect’ moment. Something essential for healthy relationships through life.
GIVE CHOICES
Another example of having a proactive perspective, is in giving/making choices.
In Loving our Kids on Purpose, Danny Silk talks about giving your children choices from a young age and resisting the need to control everything (this was particularly hard for me and took me a while to learn).
Why give choices?
Helps children feel empowered - less power struggles/diffuses tensions
Because when your child is a teen, they will be faced with much harder choices and who do you want them to come to for advice? You.
We want our children to be practised in making good choices.
If they, from preschoolers, have had the opportunity to make simple choices eg. choosing their own clothing, with the opportunity to discuss why a fleece jumper isn’t the best choice for a 30 degree day, they are developing tools that will help them in the future.
*NOTE: It’s not the quickest approach - it’s a perspective shift - we are in it for the long run.
What do you have to lose?? Let’s face it, if you’re reading this your sanity is almost gone anyway!
Proactive Perspective.
Parenting target.
Choices.
You can do it!
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