Oh, to be present
It’s often asked “How do you give each of your kids enough attention? Enough one on one time?”
In these conversations I’ve realised that many mums carry a guilt about not spending enough time/being ‘enough’ for their child/children.
Listening to/reading the findings of various psychologists recently, I’ve been fascinated to learn about the way humans are wired and that so much of who a person will be and how they interact with others in their later years, is developed in the first three years of life through meaningful connections.
My feeling is that QUALITY TRUMPS QUANTITY. My motto as a mum is simply ‘be present’. In a day and age of so many things screaming for our attention, the temptation is to be constantly multitasking, using our devices and only half-listening when our kids try to engage in meaningful dialogue with us. I guess the challenge isn’t so much “how do you find the time” but “how can you be present in the little moments of the day?”
I’ve tried to put a few things in place to make space for more meaningful interactions with my kids ~
Cut the socials – social media bleeds you dry (time-wise) but doesn’t really leave you with much (well, not me anyway) so I get rid of them from time to time. I like to have a squiz in the evenings, but I try to stay away during the day. When I go through periods of being ‘off’ the socials, I don’t go to the extreme of deleting accounts, but delete the apps from my phone so I’m not tempted to just open them up without even thinking and scrooooolling.
Look at my kids in the eye when talking to them and expect them to do the same – when you see half the world looking down at their devices constantly/with fleeting attention spans, it becomes clear that giving undivided attention and using eye contact are skills to be learned in these early years!
Find just ten minutes of focused time (one to one) each day – look for one thing that your child needs to work on/develop skills in (this could be a simple game or puzzle, writing their name, reading etc) and engage in the activity with them.
Read aloud to your kids each day – this can be solo or as a collective and can start as a baby.
Teach/show them something new regularly – kids are going to be more engaged with any game/puzzle/activity if you initially spend the time showing them/teaching them how to play/setting up what they will then do independently.
Make yourself available for a cuddle or to hold their hand when they initiate it – this time in their lives is so fleeting… one day they won’t want to give you a cuddle or hold your hand… so embrace it!
Start a ‘home day’ with purpose – involve the kids by making a list! We get a big A3 sheet of paper and everyone gets to choose something (or more than one thing) they’d like to do during the day, which goes on the list. Everyone feels like they are ‘seen/heard’ and when their activity gets done, there is a real sense of achievement as they tick it off. (It also gives you some direction for the day so you don’t end up with the tv on constantly or fearful of having to have everyone at home!)
I guess being present comes down to being self aware. I want my kids to engage with those who surround them in their lives, so the training ground for engagement is now, at home. I don’t think i’ll ever regret waiting ten minutes to hang the washing out, in order to sit and read or complete a puzzle with one of my kids.
After all, what’s ten minutes, right?