The Deal With Mess
Mess.
Before you had kids, you got angry with your partner for dropping crumbs on the floor that was vacuumed last Friday, or for not fully wiping away the remnants of whiskers on a bathroom sink that only needed wiping down weekly.
You left the place tidy, went to work, and returned to a spotless house, ready for an evening of cooking the meal you felt like eating, and winding down watching your favourite Netflix series.
Safe to say, if you are reading this, that that life is well over. For now.
And that’s ok.
When you’re dealing with multiple or even just one small person who is on the move, chances are that you are going to feel a level of stress around mess. Depending on your personality type, perhaps more than another, but still.
I personally have found it very unhelpful to hear phrases like “just don’t worry about it” or “there’s no point in trying - you are going to have a messy house - you have young kids”.
I went to a parenting course when I had one, non-moving baby, to prepare myself for some of the challenges that would inevitably lay ahead. One thing the facilitator said was “if you value play, you have to embrace mess”. This comment, made me instantly stressed. It made me stressed on one level, because, as an educator, I knew that play in the early years was really important. On the flip side, I also really valued having a clean house.
When I was pregnant with my third (feeling exhausted and frustrated at the constant unpacking going on in the house with a 2.5 and 1 year old), a friend highlighted a valuable point. At this stage, I thought my desire for a clean house with two small kids was unachievable, yet for some reason, still important to me. She said, “your desire for things to be clean and ordered (in a realistic way) isn’t silly. Having order in your external world helps you order your internal world. Having order helps you achieve what is most important. Eg developing systems gives you time back for other things.”
The reality -
With kids, there will be mess. And if you’re like me, you want your kids to grow and develop and enjoy being little without a tyrannical mother constantly on their backs about cleaning up.
You also don’t want to waste these precious years being stressed to the eyeballs because of toys, books and lego being scattered through the house.
The solution -
I think the “solution” is tri-fold (I use inverted commas as a clean freak who will always have a degree of struggle with this)
There’s the you part
There’s the house/systems part
There’s the kid part
1. You
There’s a part of you that has to reconcile that life has to bend/be flexible in this season. You need to recognise that mess stresses you out, but that there will be ways that you can see beyond it because you want to allow your kids the freedom to explore, discover and play (within reason - we’re not talking about painting the walls or anything)
2. House/Systems
Now that you’ve identified that although mess does peak your anxiety levels at times, there are things you can implement around the house to help you feel on top of it - that you are still in control!!
Allow for ‘sessions’ of mess with ‘clean ups’ between
I split our day into 3 sessions - morning, middle of the day, afternoon.
It is ok for the house to be ‘messy’ in the morning, when we are at home and playing.
Before lunch and rest time, we pack things away (although some days this gets away from us and I do end up tidying up while the kids are out of action *sigh*).
After rest time, play is back on! Block towers are scattered throughout the living area, train tracks and cities are established in the lounge room and a hospital is set up in a bedroom somewhere.
Come 3:45pm, it’s time to pack away. The motivation? TV.
The TV doesn’t turn on until everything is packed away. Brilliant motivation. ‘
Works. Every. Time.
Get your storage in order - create systems that are kid-friendly
There’s no getting around it - you have to invest a few dollars to create systems that work. Boxes that match and stack/store easily/are easy for little hands to pick up are the way to go. Pinterest is FULL of wonderful ideas, so have a browse and think what would work best for you. Personally, we have a number of IKEA storage solutions, mainly the Kallax for bulky toys with photo labels on the front so the kids can pack them away, and smaller tubs for those teeny-tiny things the girls seem to collect from everywhere!
When you start to feel like you’re drowning in toys, stacked around the place, its time to get a system happening. Sit down, make a plan and go for it!
Note/Tip: I find it helpful to have a semi-empty basket in each room that can have anything thrown into it for a quick pack away, that can then be distributed to the correct spot later.
Don’t have every toy in the house available for play at any one time - get things out and rotate them around
We have a big IKEA Kallax 5x5 cube unit that has the bulk of the toys stored in boxes - when the kids express interest in something we get it out and down to play with, or I rotate the toys around in their rooms every so often. Same goes for books to keep it interesting!
3. The Kids
The kids need to know that they are part of a team and that our team values having a tidy house.
It often helps me to think about the bigger picture - I am raising people who will become adults, who will one day have their own houses/partners/families - and I want the best for them - living free of clutter and freeing them up to enjoy more of life by having their own systems in place.
It’s helpful for the bigger kids (4 and 5) to have a glimpse at the bigger picture too - to know the WHY for packing away and keeping things ordered - that it helps create space, and develop habits that they can take into their own families when they are grown. After all, all the play they do is imitating life and helps them make sense of their world.
Clear expectations - without nagging or threatening (although admittedly these do happen from time to time) the kids know the expectation of what needs to happen, and if it isn’t achieved, they miss out on _____. For us, it’s usually TV, but you just have to find the right motivation. I read in a book once, not to nag or mention the said instruction again, until the child wants to engage in the desired activity… to which you calmly reply “once your room is tidied up, you can _____”. It’s amazing how well it works. Give it a go!
For smaller people, make it a game. They don’t understand things in the same way, but my nearly 2 year old will pack away the blocks happily when he sees me doing it and inviting him into the space, making it a race or turning it into a song (just get your Mary Poppins on haha).
Like all things, creating habits takes time, but with consistency and positive feedback, it is possible to create a culture in your household where it’s a team effort (yes, even dad can be trained and involved), and because everyone knows the ‘how’ and ‘why’, it’s much easier to execute and own.
In saying that, there are absolutely days where the house gets away from us all, and I finish the day feeling exhausted and defeated.
But... the kids go to bed, the place gets reset and so does my headspace.
On such days… Eat copious amounts of dark chocolate and make a plan for tomorrow.
On those days, I try to pat myself on the back for giving our kids a childhood that is fun, where play is of high value and try to be thankful for the amount of ‘stuff’ we actually have, while reassuring my inner self that order will be restored… one day!