Kids Say The Darnedest Things

Kids say the darnedest things. We shouldn't be surprised when they do, as they have ZERO life experience and are trying to make sense of the world around them.⁠ ⁠ During this Covid season, my kids' world has shrunk. (All our worlds have in some way, but for them, these past 8 months make up a big chunk of their lives)⁠ ⁠

They have become less familiar with difference and we now find ourselves on a journey towards celebrating and embracing the unfamiliar, rather than resisting or being fearful of it.⁠ ⁠ In a time when this is a sensitive topic, I wanted to share our journey so far, in order for you to build your toolkit... as these attitudes and conversations may very well arise in your own family... as shocking as that may seem. ⁠

Difference. 

According to research, our children’s best teachers for inclusion and kindness are their parents. 

You can only imagine my feelings when my sweet nearly 3 year old daughter looked up at me as we passed a Ghanaian family in the street and expressed a sentiment that was opposite to anything I thought I had ever taught her about the beauty in difference.

Thankful the family (whom we knew) were out of ear shot, I dropped to the ground, meeting her at eye level and broke immediately into an analogy of the rainbow. As a family of faith, I explained that just like the rainbow, God made ALL the colours of the rainbow. And even though pink may be her favourite, a rainbow CANNOT exist without ALL the colours in it… and it’s the same for our skin colours. We are all different, but all special - just like the rainbow. 

She was on board with that example, so we left it at that and bundled into the car to go home… my head spinning with the prejudiced remark that had just departed from the lips of my own offspring.

As an educator (my training is in primary education), my head immediately went to ‘learning through play’. She was obsessed with baby dolls at the time so I googled ‘African dolls’, to find these gorgeous little ones that not only looked adorable, were soft-bodied to allow for cuddles, but were also scented - making them irresistible to hug and hold close. 

The one we got was a Miniland doll (found at https://www.shopoftoys.com.au/miniland-african-40cm-soft-body-doll-detail), was given for her 3rd birthday the following week and was immediately loved and cherished. 

*Crisis Averted!*

Or so I thought. 

Until… my second daughter was about to turn 3, only a matter of weeks ago.

She was reading an interactive story on the preschool website starfall.com beside me, when she came across a book she suddenly didn’t want to read. Knowing that she loves these stories, I inquired as to why she suddenly didn’t want to read anymore, and my heart dropped to the floor when I saw the beautiful face of a dark-skinned girl, as well as the look on my daughter’s. She told me she didn’t like the girl’s hair, and that she didn’t want to read the story. It was clearly more than about a hairstyle.

To be honest, I was quite surprised at her reaction, as she plays with different looking baby dolls daily, has a Sri Lankan uncle whom she loves and has a favourite friend who is Tongan. Again, I launched into my analogy of the rainbow and how all skin colours are beautiful and special, and that we love them all, even though they are different. 

She listened, then we moved on and went to pick up my son from school.

After a couple more encounters of this kind, but now in response to people in the general public, I came down hard. 

The gloves were off. 

There was no longer room for tender chats. 

I firmly told her in a calm yet directive voice that we do NOT talk about people like that in our family. 

We LOVE all people, of all different kinds.

Again, I reminded her of the rainbow. 

I reminded her that she LOVES her uncle who has dark skin and adores our friend with brown skin too. 

I could see her little mind ticking over.

This time, it seemed to sink in a little more. People she knew looked different to her, and she loved them. This she knew to be true.

I’ve been researching, trying to find some kind of developmental leap that happens around this age, but all I can see is that at this time in a preschooler’s life, they do become more aware of and fascinated by difference.

Tip: WHEN these issues arise, an important factor is how we react.

The aim is not to appear flustered, shocked or respond in a flap, but calmly direct them in the way we want them to go (this may require you to step back and take time for some planning and consideration, mind you!) 

Not long after this next instalment of ‘Averting Racism 101’ my in-laws came to stay. 

My older daughter, now 4, whom I thought had well and truly moved on from her days of prejudiced remarks, came to me with the back of her Barbie colouring book. It had 3 Barbies on the back - those cut out/pop up ones. She asked if I could cut 2/3 out.

My heart sank again when I could see the rejected Barbie had been left out due to her appearance. I cut all of them out, and my sweet MIL asked if she could play with the one I was left holding, having heard the conversation and aware of my other daughter’s current situation. 

She named her ‘Jessica’ and they sat, playing with these cardboard cut out dolls, for the better part of an hour. They shopped, went for sleepovers, playdates and the like. Jessica was no longer rejected - she was a key friend in this play scenario. 

This was a light bulb moment for me and I remembered once again - learning through play.

It wasn’t just ‘throw them a bunch of different dolls and they can work it out’... it was intentional, loving and inclusive play. My MIL deserved a medal that day/week for the amount of time she put into those play sessions. 

The wall was broken down. We’d moved beyond appearance in these moments.

It felt like one hurdle had been jumped… but now we had Captain Obvious, pointing out colour wherever she saw it. In books, toys, people walking down the street. Although now, after so much play and discussion it wasn’t in a negative way… it was in an observational sense - but still, not helpful in general society.

So, we had another opportunity before us, which initially presented most obviously in reading a Wiggles book. She pointed out “That girl’s hand is brown”. At which point I gently said, “You know what, why don’t we start looking for other things that we like about people, other than the colour of their skin. I really like her dress. What do you like?”... and we went from there.

The moment of truth came at school pick up a few days later. An Indian mother walked past us and my daughter grabbed my hand, looked up and exclaimed “Mum! Look at that lady’s <pause> beautiful hair!”

I’m not going to lie, I breathed a sigh of relief at that very loud comment. I knew what she was doing and her little brain had just gone through a number of thought processes to get there. Well done, little one. 

We are a work in progress. 

I have realised that during this COVID season, our social world has really shrunk. We only see our Sri Lankan uncle over Facetime, we don’t see our Tongan friend as much or the Ghanaian family we would see on the weekends.

I also realised that during this time my kids have started watching more cartoons like Paw Patrol and Frozen, over real-life shows like Playschool or Sesame Street, that highlight diversity, respect and kindness. 

So in a small attempt to broaden their understanding of the world in this season, we have reintroduced those shows and for her 3rd birthday, bought our daughter Barbies of varying appearances and colours. We are also trying to read books with greater diversity in the illustrations.

I guess we are being a bit more aware and intentional about the things that are being perceived, ever so implicitly. 

Difference is all around us, in various forms. There are plenty of opportunities to embrace difference with our kids, if we begin looking for them, and we shouldn’t shy away from these moments. Difference is okay - from our favourite foods to the different abilities that people have. 

From our experiences out and about in the community, questions about those with disabilities have arisen. Again, we have to remember that our kids have ZERO life experience - things are fascinating to them and they have no concept of offence or inappropriate behaviour when it comes to social norms. It’s our job to guide them in the way they should go - in kindness.

I am trying to break down barriers of fear of the unknown/different at home, by reading picture books about people with varying mental and physical abilities and families that look different to ours. In this context, the kids can openly ask questions and discuss the differences they observe, while we draw comparisons to people we know/are familiar. Out and about, I try to start up conversations, for example, with a man in the car park in a wheelchair, or chat to a lady with a walking aid in the cafe queue, then drawing comparison to people we love and know “Grandma has a walking stick, just like the lady we spoke to today”. The kids know they can ask questions about the differences they see, but perhaps not at the exact moment they spot them.

These are not earth-shattering strategies, but they help the Captain Obvious’ of the family feel heard and also see that we are all people and we are all different... And that is okay. 

These are a few lovely books we borrowed from our preschool to read together at home

Whether it’s silver nipples (see instagram post for reference), wheelchairs, walking sticks or skin colour - kids say the darnedest things. 

We can’t stop them and probably shouldn’t be surprised when they do. 

All we can do is be ready (as ready as we can be).

Ready to love, nurture and guide them, remembering, we are their best teachers of love, respect and kindness (no pressure) and that they do most of their learning through play!

Good luck!