How To: Attend a funeral with small people

Written By Hanna Phillips

Preparing for funerals is always a bit of a scramble, with so much to prepare and say about a loved one in a short amount of time.

My hope in penning this post, is that if you need to quickly prepare for your small kids to attend a funeral, there’s a bit of a road map in a practical sense, to alleviate a little of the burden.

———————————————————————

Duration - 1 hour 45 mins

Ages: 6, 4, 3, 2


✨Note: Before prepping, it would be worth finding out what sort of church/facility  the funeral will be held in, as to what the kids can/can’t do (in terms of consumption of food etc)

I haven’t been to too many funerals, and before my Pa passed away, I had never taken kids. 

The passing of their great grandfather (Old Pa) has been the first significant known person in their world and family whom they have lost. 

We could have organised to have the kids babysat, but we felt it important that they were introduced to the circle of life in its fullness, and that meant embracing death and grief and being allowed to move through that in a way they can cognitively understand and comprehend. 

Preparing your small people - 

⭐️ Talk about what it means that your loved one has died - that their spirit/soul is no longer with us, but their body is still here - that is what is inside the coffin. We believe that we will see Old Pa again, that his body is now whole. We shared that with the kids and that we can all take comfort in those things.

⭐️ Talk about a funeral and what it is - it will be happy and sad. People will be laughing at times as they remember funny things Old Pa did, but also sad and crying as they will miss seeing him. 

During this time, people will be wearing masks. We don’t need to be afraid, they are just to keep everyone safe.

⭐️ Discuss what to expect re behaviour -

For our kids we explained that it’s like church (something they go to/understand). They will have to sit quietly and be still while people (some whom we don’t know) talk to us all about Old Pa’s life. They can eat their snacks quietly and have their magic markers and paper etc to draw with. 

⭐️ Explain that it’s ok to cry and feel sad.

Preparing for the Funeral - 

⭐️ Pack lunch boxes - BENTO STYLE BOX with added silicone sections for the win. 

(The week before at a school event, I noted how long it took to consume a lunch box of food - it was 17 minutes - this needs to be extended as much as possible!)

✨ Tips - 

  • ALL wrappers removed

  • Pack only ‘quiet snacks’ AVOID corn chips, veggie straws, carrots, cucumbers or any loud/crunching snacks

  • Pack back-up food in a seperate container for a longer running funeral eg box of different sandwiches (these helped feed the cousins too)

Great QUIET snacks include:

  • Yogurt buttons (Rafferty’s Garden)

  • Peppa pig yogurt covered sultanas

  • Blueberries, grapes

  • Cheese

  • Blueberry sticks (Rafferty’s Garden)

  • Popcorn

  • Cherry tomatoes

  • Sandwich (cut up into pieces)

  • Fruit lollies

  • Wrap

  • Tiny teddies/tiny choc chip cookies

  • Grated carrot or cucumber cut into tiny pieces

⭐️ Get a few (new) non-fuss activities 

✨Tip: let them use the activity pad at least once BEFORE the funeral so you aren’t explaining/unwrapping things when you want to be listening/focussing on what’s happening in the service. Show them how to put the lid on and off themselves.

⭐️ Pack a drink bottle for each child

⭐️ Toilet kids right before the funeral commences

⭐️ Pack comfort toys/snugglies/dummy for youngest in case they want to sleep

⭐️ Spread children amongst loved family members, where possible 

Their responses - 

Each child will understand what is happening at different levels, with ranging emotions. 


Our eldest (6) really enjoyed hearing about my Pa’s life and seeing all the photos, but wasn’t engaged in the entire service. That was ok. 

Our second eldest (4) listened, watched and felt all the emotions. 

I cried as I shared with my siblings about our Pa, her Grandma cried as she talked about her father, and all this filled my daughter’s heart with empathy and sadness. 

She cried and she cried loudly. 

All we could do was hold her and assure her. 

She wailed as everyone stood silently as the coffin went out to the hearse. 

As my friend Hari would say, this was a ‘being with’ moment - not something to distract from or remove from, but a moment to embrace and be with her, as her own journey to understanding life, death, loss and grief was beginning. 

We almost kept her from attending the burial as she had been so emotional at the funeral, but the final act of tossing a flower and saying goodbye in the rain as the coffin was lowered, was a beautiful ending to a day that had celebrated life - and a life that had been lived generously with others. 
Our third (3) enjoyed being with her cousins, eating through her lunch box and cuddling Grandma when she needed it. She sung and hummed through a large portion of the service and had to be reminded to be quiet.

Our youngest (2) ate through his lunch box then fell asleep for at least half the funeral - that was a massive help. It wasn’t his normal sleep time (10am funeral) but it was dark, snuggly and he just went with the moment. 

Post-Funeral Thoughts - 

We can have a tendency as parents to protect our kids from anything that seems negative - anything that makes them feel sad or emotions that don’t make them smile. 

But this, is life. 

Death does not have to be feared. 

The sadness of loss reminds us of the joy we still have and those we have to embrace. 


As our most emotional daughter hit the pillow that night, she asked me if I still felt sad and wanted to cry. I let her know that actually, after a big cry at the funeral, I felt ok. She just smiled and said “me too”. 

Big emotions don’t have to be bad, they need to be moved through, with loved ones.


Being proactive in getting ready for a funeral means that the kids can participate at the level they can, but also that you as a parent can be as much in the moment as possible. 

It’s always going to be a bit of a juggle with small people, but it can be done.

X

Hanna Phillips
Previous

Sick Child: Hospital Packing List
Next

Doing the mum thing in 2021? This is for you.