Grief is Not a Dirty Word

Motherhood may well be the first time you experience a real sense of grief. 

That may seem like both an odd and loaded statement; as we often dream of motherhood as an experience of love, joy and fulfillment - for which it is. 

But there are, and will be, things that you have to let go of, that cause you to move through grief - and I don’t think we should see this as a negative thing.

Recently I was deeply moved by someone’s description of grief, when they lost someone they loved. They described it as the sadness you feel in all the hugs that go un-given and all the love you could not bestow on that person.

Grieving looks a little different when you’re a mum, but it’s just as important to recognise it and move through those feelings of loss.

For me, the first sense of grief I experienced in motherhood was in the surrendering of breastfeeding. (I realised I still have an element of shame/sadness over this when I hesitated to post a photo of me bottle-feeding my baby.) 

It was the late night feeds I couldn’t get up for, as I had to rest and recover, following a serious postpartum illness. It was knowing that my baby wasn’t getting the antibodies my body could so cleverly create, just for my baby, to protect him from germs that could make him unwell.

Like many mums, I started out with such high hopes for feeding and sadly, even judged those (if I’m honest) who I saw bottle feeding their babies in public, when I was pregnant. Oh how my perspective changed when I could no longer feed… realising, that everyone has their reasons.

A second wave of grief came when I had my second baby, whom I adored… yet realised that life as a mum of one was over. I no longer had a cute ‘accessory’ that people enjoyed at coffee dates - I had a toddler and a baby who now required juggling/wrangling and ventures to parks rather than trendy cafes. 

The thing is though, in the giving up of something, there is the opportunity to take up something new.

I had to give up breastfeeding, but I could take up the opportunity to hold my babies close and look them in the eyes while they fed. They could hold onto my fingers and know I was close.

In the giving up of the ‘accessory’ child, I was able to take up a new facet of life - embracing a bit of chaos while giving my first born a sibling who he would be able to share experiences with from then on - I’ve been able to watch a beautiful relationship grow between them.

Without picking up something new, it is incredibly tempting to let this process of grieving morph into one of comparison - and this, as we know, is crippling. Even comparing yourself now with yourself of the past can be incredibly life-zapping, if you fail to look for what has been gained.

Unlike when you lose a loved one, the grief you find yourself moving through in motherhood gives way to something new.

Perhaps it's helpful to remember what it was we wanted to take up in the first place - an adventure, the insane responsibility of raising/shaping a human and stepping sideways from your old, career and/or self-driven life.

I guess the question will always be, what are you picking up as you leave something else behind? 

It’s quite the challenge, but one well worth asking.