The screen journey - To deny or embrace?
When my first was born, I followed all the advice. WHO recommended - no screens for the first 2 years of life.
My husband’s work has a lot to do with screens and editing, so we kept all screens away from areas of play.
But… our boy loved screens. He’d see our phones, screens around the place… he was like a moth to a flame.
He also loved to read. He would cry when books finished. Couldn’t get enough of them. He loved non fiction books, picture books, maps and all types of print (and still does).
This was our first clue that our guy was a visual learner and wanted visual stimulation.
When he went to preschool, there was so much on offer… but he was drawn to the iPad table. They would get 5 minutes at a time to play… his name was always on the list of kids to play… and then again… and again.
One day, the teacher pulled me aside to ask about our tech habits at home. She thought we either had none available to him, or way too much. When I said he didn’t have access to screens (other than tv) she gave me an analogy - he was the kid on the diet at the birthday party. When given the opportunity, he was binging on what he couldn’t have.
This was an interesting parenting light bulb moment for me.
I was terrified of having a child who was screen obsessed, disinterested in people, with no real-life hobbies… but that’s what I was pushing him towards by totally denying the experience of using a device when he was so interested in them.
Her advice to me was - give him a little each day, using a timer, and it would help prevent the obsession.
Our approach -
After chatting together and making a plan, my husband and I decided that our approach to screens would be a measured approach, rather than abstinence. I attended a course for parents by Dr Kristy Goodwin about raising kids around screens, and I was terrified by the stories of exposure to porn and online predators.
We can’t stick our head in the sand though.
The main tip that I took away from that session was that we needed to be the pilot of the tech-plane. It’s not a question of “if” things happen, but when.
My personality would be to keep them away altogether. But it’s not helpful for him. What’s helpful is to navigate it WITH him and guide him through it - not let him spiral into a strange online world alone in his room, hidden away.
Stages of screens -
Preschool - Year 1, he was allowed 15 minutes on the iPad at a time playing educational games.
Note - part of our plan at this stage is staying off Youtube, other than Art Hub for Kids on YouTube kids. The main reason for this was that we didn’t want to start a habit of passively watching YouTube videos
Beginning of Year 2, his grandparents gave him a switch lite for Christmas with a few games.
Asphalt legends (car racing game)
Mario cart
Sonic (he wasn’t too interested in this)
(For those not in the know, a switch lite is more like a game boy - doesn’t connect to the tv and is more of a hand held device… but apparently not great for the eyes (we learnt after purchase) as it’s a small screen.
Later that year - he decided to sell his lite and ask for donations for his birthday from the family towards the regular Nintendo switch so that he could play games with the rest of the family on the tv screen. He’s pretty social.
Games at this point (8 years old)
Mario Cart
Asphalt legends
Nintendo sports (so great for the whole fam to play)
Minecraft (no online element) - TBH I’m not into this game but my husband thinks this is one that needs to be navigated WITH, as all his friends are into it.
Just Dance - free trial of Unlimited. They really get you with what’s available with the original purchase. Such a pain!
Parental involvement -
WE (the adults) set the parameters
no online games/interactivity
Play only happens on Thursdays and Fridays for half an hour and an hour on the weekend days
No play before school
Parental controls set eg time limits
Helpful tricks -
“Green after screen” - this was a term a therapist Mel used when talking about screen use at a parenting seminar I attended years ago. Where possible, go outside after time on the screen to reset!
Screen use is a privilege not a right. Bad behaviour or attitude at home = switch time being docked in 5 minute blocks. Works wonders.
“You can ask the ‘why’”
My friend Rosie recently went through a time with her son where they decided that Roblox wasn’t a game he should be playing as it wasn’t a safe online game (as advised by her teen nephew) — playing with people who are unknown, making him vulnerable online.
He was upset about the decision but I loved her response.
She told him that he can always ask why, and she needs to be able to give him an answer. If she doesn’t know straight away, she’ll get back to him.
I’m taking that on board too.
This whole thing is a journey. We are all working it out as more research and evidence evolves and learning from those who are going before us.
Research tells us that children’s brains are not developed enough to put their own limits in place and NEED us to be there with them to show them the way.
As parents who didn’t grow up with the connectivity and tech of our kids, it’s easy to say a blanket NO.
For some kids, like my other 3, that would be fine and it wouldn’t necessarily drive them into a mad tech-obsessed situation. But for our biggest, a blanket ‘no’ just isn’t going to fly.
Sometimes we may go the other direction - to get some peace and quiet we give into the tech demands of our kids and let them do what they want.
Our kids need us to be present in this and to do the journey WITH them, as the pilot, with parameters in place.
Truth is, I hate ‘wasting’ time on screens in general, but I am practicing being present as I engage in my guy’s interest - playing Nintendo sports with him, here and there, so that I am part of this with him and included in this part of his world.
I’ll share more as the journey evolves!
Happy planning x
Reference: Dr Kristy Goodwin https://drkristygoodwin.com/